I Am Despair
by Eruwaedhier Telemnar
Summary: Ichimaru Gin and Aizen have left, leaving ashes in their wake. Now, its it the duty of the Lieutenants to pick up the pieces... mainly about Izuru with Hinamori and Renji! There will be ANGST! and some COMFORT! and no Mary Sues or overly cliched endings!
1. Not All Scars Heal, Not All Wounds Show

I Am Despair

CHAPTER I, PART I

_So, Amagi is dead. _

Kira Izuru sighed, lacing his fingers together in front of him.

_So once again we have been betrayed. _

It was chilly that night, with the cold sweeping through the Squad Three barracks. Izuru sat alone, a cup of warm tea perched on the table in front of him.

_Once again __**I **__have been betrayed. _

He tried not to think too much of it, but the betrayal of Amagi had shaken him- more than he would care to admit.

_How could I have been so stupid __**again**__? _

It wasn't that he was upset about Amagi because he knew him. In fact, he could have cared less about what happened to him.

What **was** the problem was that he had made the same mistake twice. He had followed blindly, lived and breathed by the code of the 13 Squads.

_What am I doing wrong? _

If he had noticed that something was off about Amagi earlier, he could have done something.

_Aren't I doing my duty? _

He could have reported him. Amagi might have been found out, along with his accomplices. They all might not have died.

_What else could I have done? _

_Would I have done anything?_

Leaning forward, Izuru buried his head in his hands. He was weak.

_You're just hiding behind your code, _something in his mind told him. _You're just using it as an excuse for why you won't stand up for yourself. _

Feeling water gather in his eyes, Kira pressed his hands into his eyes forcefully, hoping to quell the impending tears. He was a lieutenant, he had to stay strong for the rest of his squad in their time of need.

_It's no wonder that __**he **__didn't stay, _the voice taunted. _Who would bother to stay for someone as pathetic as you? _

Unable to stop himself, Izuru felt the salty tears spilling from his eyes, seeping their way through his hands and falling sadly onto his lap.

_Taichou, why did you leave me?_

He sobbed quietly, shivers racking his lean frame, choking on the lump of grief that had suddenly lodged itself in his throat. He had never felt more unwanted in his life.

Yet, he was glad that he was alone now. He felt ashamed enough as it was, and he would have felt even worse had one of his fellows had been there.

_Besides, you deserve to be alone. _

Hanging his head down even further in shame, Izuru felt as though his sadness was tangible, a great burden that weighted him down even more than Wabisuke would weigh down an enemy. It ate at his heart, making it thump painfully in his chest.

With shaking hands, he reached for his cup of tea on the table. However, the cup was cold to the touch, and the tremors from his arms made the liquid slosh into his lap.

Just as quickly as it had come, Izuru's sudden anguish left him, leaving only a slight feeling of melancholy.

Realizing that it was late, Izuru decided that he would retire for bed. Even if he got no sleep that night, he reasoned, it would be better for him to at least rest comfortably.

CHAPTER I, PART II

It was later that sleepless night that a small commotion reached the lieutenants ears. It came from somewhere else in the barracks, but from what Izuru could hear it wasn't the usual raving of his drunken subordinates.

Deciding that it was worth looking into, Izuru pulled himself from his bed, straightening his sleeping clothes as he did so. He was happy to notice that there was no stain left from where he spilled his tea.

_Well that's a small blessing, _he mused dryly. _Tea dries clear. _

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Izuru went in pursuit of the noise. From what he could discern it was coming from just outside the entrance to the barracks. Striding down the hallway, Izuru could see a few stragglers who had also been awoken by the noise. Taking on the persona of Lieutenant Kira, Izuru met the questioning looks of his subordinates with a small nod of acknowledgement, indicating that he didn't know what was happening either but that as the superior officer he would handle it.

Nodding back, the other members of Squad Three allowed their Lieutenant to pass by, falling into step a few paces behind him.

Remembering a time not so long ago when he had been the one shadowing someone else, Izuru felt very uncomfortable realizing that it was he who was now in the lead. In order to put some distance between himself and his past, the Lieutenant picked up his pace, reaching the door and yanking it wide open.

The sight that met his eyes was a horribly familiar one. Several Soul Reapers were huddled around one that lay unmoving on the ground, blood staining his clothing and seeping into the ground around him.

Paralyzed by shock for only a moment, Izuru quickly recovered himself and asked, "What's going on here?"

One of the men (he recognized him as being of a lower rank in Squad 12) replied ,"Lieutenant Izuru! This man was attacked out on a patrol or reconnaissance mission of some kind. We were taking him to Squad Four, but his condition has worsened- we fear of moving him…"

Understanding the situation immediately, Izuru quickly used his knowledge he had gained while being in Squad Four and knelt down besides the fallen man, pulling his head to rest more comfortably in his own lap. Glancing up, he counted three men who had brought the injured one. He gestured at one of them, hoping to capture authority in his voice.

"You there, run quickly to Squad Four and bring back a healer. Tell them that this man will need a stretcher."

"Yes, sir!" the man answered, getting up and running off into the night.

Taking the opportunity to assess the man better, Izuru began looking at his wounds in more depth. The man had several long gashes that trailed diagonally across the front of his chest. From what he could see, most of them were not life threatening, the cuts were clean with very little ripping of the skin, indicating that they were probably made with a clean weapon, there was little chance of affection. However, there was one gash that had Izuru worried. It was deeper than the others, and it came too close to the man's lungs for Izuru's liking.

_It could be fatal, _he worried, _if he doesn't get immediate treatment and medication. _

As if to confirm his fears, the man suddenly seemed to come alive from his stupor, coughing horribly. Thick, red blood oozed from his mouth, indicating that he had damage to his internal organs.

_Damn. _

Izuru went to at least clean and bandage the man's wounds, but was stopped when he realized that the man was staring at him. His eyes were large and brown, glazed over and half dead. To Izuru, he looked so young and so lost, utterly broken. His skin was as pale as ash, and a cold sweat glistened on his face. Eyes widening in horror (perhaps he knew what was happening to him) the man made to speak, opening his mouth. But no words came out.

Forcibly tearing his eyes from the man's face, Izuru went back to attending the man's injuries. He had just begun when the messenger he sent returned, leading a meek looking woman with him. Immediately, the woman sat down on the other side of the man, not saying anything. She didn't need to, everyone knew why she was there.

The Squad Four woman leaned in closer, before hurriedly whispering to the men to go and fetch the stretcher. She frowned slightly, pushing her hair back from in front of her face.

Looking up at Izuru, she said "He won't last much longer, Sir. We have to get him to Squad Four headquarters right away."

Nodding, Izuru shifted slightly, trying to make the man he held in his arms more comfortable and to give the Healer more space.

"Yes, I understand. But Miss, will he be alright if we move him?"

The woman glanced back up at Izuru from her now opened medical kit as she opened up some salve and bandages. "He'll probably be jostled by the movement, but that can't be helped. He'll be uncomfortable with the move, but he'll die if he stays here."

With amazing skill that came from years of practice and application, the Squad Four member quickly finished up the basic repairs that Izuru had started. Then, she leaned back to sit on her knees, waiting with Kira and the injured man for the stretcher to be ready.

Looking at the man and realizing that he didn't have much time, Izuru cursed.

_Shit. Those men are probably all from Squad 12 like the first one. Which means that they don't know how to properly use a stretcher. _

Barely after a minute of waiting, the men finally arrived, carrying the assembled stretcher between them. They laid it down on the ground next to their comrade who lay bleeding on the floor. Izuru repositioned himself so that he was supporting the man by his shoulders, as the Healer went to lift up the man's legs.

Suddenly, a terrible shudder went through the man. Noticing this, the Healer abruptly snapped her attention to her patient. "He's fading!" she yelled, dropping the man's legs back down to the ground. She approached the scratched area of the man's chest, hands glowing with healing spirit energy.

From his position, Kira could feel every breath and shudder that came from the man, but even he was suddenly surprised when the charge suddenly started jerking and convulsing in his arms.

"Lieutenant, hold him down!" the woman instructed, desperately applying her own spirit energy to the man's chest. Izuru complied with her order, wrapping his arms around the man even tighter, brining his arms to be pinned by his sides.

However, whatever the Healer was doing wasn't working, because the man continued to jerk in Izuru's grasp.

Then, he stopped moving. A deathly silence filled the air, that had once been loud with the mans moans and heavy breathing.

_He's dead._

Sighing dejectedly, the Healer sunk backwards, letting her hands fall limply to her sides. All of the spectators, the members of Squad Three who were awake and the men from Squad 12 who had brought the man, stared on in stunned silence.

For several moments no one spoke.

Then, very slowly and deliberately, Izuru looked at the mans robes, looking for a patch or some kind of identification. Finding one, he stood up slowly, turning to the small bunch of people gathered around him.

"Someone go to Captain Kuchiki in Squad Six," he said quietly, trying to keep a tremble from his voice. "Ask him if they have someone from their squad missing. And go and fetch an official to take care of the body."

Hearing two "Yes sir's" from some members of his squad, Izuru turned his back on the morbid scene, walking back towards the barracks. Behind him, he could hear the crowd dissipating, most of the people returning to bed.

_Yes, _he decided, _today is a black day indeed. _


	2. I HATE Getting Up in the Morning

I Am Despair

CHAPTER II: PART I

Later that night, Izuru sat on his bed, toweling off his wet hair. Right after he went back inside, Izuru had realized with no small amount of horror that he was covered in dead man's blood. Disgusted, the Lieutenant had hurried off to the showers and had returned later, fatigue taking its toll forcing him to sit down and rest for a while.

But, no matter how much his body needed to rest, his mind couldn't find any peace. He couldn't get the mans face out of his head, his pale visage leered in Izuru's memory, and even after the blood was physically off of his hands his heart still burned with guilt.

_Another person that I couldn't save, _he mused sadly.

Finishing with his hair, Kira lazily tossed the wet towel towards a small hamper in the corner.

_What's the point of being a Lieutenant if I can't save anyone? _

Sighing, Izuru pulled the covers from under him, snuggling down underneath multiple layers of warm blankets.

_Why is it that I'm the only one who has these problems?_

Pausing for reflection, Izuru realized that there was a certain truth to his thoughts. Even amongst some of the other Lieutenants, it was Izuru who had one of the most tragic lives. He had lost almost everything dear to him, and it seemed that all of his failures and inadequacies stretched behind him like a long binding chain of anguish.

_It's just because you're weaker than the other Lieutenants, _he realized. _You're just not able to protect what you want like everyone else is. _

Taking a shuddering breath, Izuru hated himself for his failures. He hated it that he couldn't ever seem to match up to his peers in the Thirteen Squads.

_Why am I always the weak one? The fragile one? _

He had started out in the academy at the top of his class.

_How have I sunken so low from then? _

He had watched as others surpassed him.

_How could I have disgraced my family and my Squad?_

But no more.

_I won't do it anymore. I am the only one left with any authority in this Squad. _

It was his duty to be the best superior possible. It was his job, his reason for living. He had heard that a few Lieutenants were close to achieving bankai, and rumors about methods to speed its achievement. He hadn't really started any hard-core kind of training, his taichou hadn't felt that it was prudent.

_I'm worthless right now. I need to better myself so that I'll at least be worth people's time. Maybe that will stop everyone else from leaving like __**he **__did._

Promising himself that he would become stronger in order to never let anyone die like the man tonight, Izuru turned over and blew out the candle near his bedside, submerging the room in darkness.

CHAPTER II: PART II

Abarai Renji heard someone banging loudly on his door.

_Goddamn it, it's the middle of the night!_

Grumbling, Renji stumbled out of bed, combing his hands through his ruffled red hair. Yawning loudly, the tattooed Lieutenant managed to make it to his door on unstable legs, deciding that he would tear the person on the other side to pieces.

Yanking the door open suddenly, Renji glared out at the person who had dared to interrupt his sleep. Standing in front of him was a man, who looked every bit as tired as Renji felt.

" Lieutenant Abarai! One of your men was found…"

Confused, Renji looked at the man with a scrutinizing stare. He wasn't aware of anyone that was out on any missions. _Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. "Found" can mean lots of things. It could just be some of our guys that have had a bit too much to drink. _

"Yeah? Who was it, and what happened exactly?"

The mystery messenger just clasped his hands in front of him awkwardly. Suddenly Renji noticed that the man seemed very timid and hesitant, and instantly cold fear gripped at his heart.

"Sir, we don't know who he is, but we know that he's from Squad Six. And well, for as how we found him… I don't know much, only that a few men from Squad 12 brought him to our barracks. They were taking him for healing or something, but they had to stop because he was getting worse. Lieutenant Kira sent for a Healer and a stretcher, but the man died shortly after she arrived. I'm sorry."

Sadly, the man hung his head, probably unsure of how the fiery man would react to the news of the loss of a comrade.

Renji sighed wearily, silently praying that the man was mistaken when it came to the dead mans Squadron. Even if Renji didn't know the man well, it was never pleasant for someone to die who was in the same Squad as you.

"Ok then. You just wait here, I'll go and wake Captain Kuchiki." The messenger looked very relieved at that news, sagging slightly against the doorframe.

_I wouldn't want to have to wake Captain Kuchiki if I were him either. _Abarai thought, a smirk fleeting across his face.

Schooling his features into a more serious expression, Renji rapped on his Captain's door loudly. Knowing that Kuchiki was a light sleeper and that it wouldn't take much to wake him up, Renji stopped after a few times.

After a few moments, the door opened, revealing a very tired Kuchiki Byakuya standing in his sleep clothes. _He still manages to look dignified at this time of night, _Abarai noted.

"Sir, I have some bad news. It seems that they found one of ours dead tonight."

Renji studied the Captain's face carefully, looking for the subtle signs of emotion that he sometimes showed. It was very difficult to say, but Kuchiki looked slightly worried and thoughtful.

_If he's worried, then things can't be good. _

Wordlessly, Captain Kuchiki whirled out of his quarters, with Renji falling into line a step behind. Byakuya went back towards Renji's room, walking briskly over to the messenger and engaging him in a hushed conversation.

Realizing that he wasn't likely to be involved in this conversation, Renji let his attention drift, and he subtly faded into the background.

When he noticed that his Captain had turned back towards him and the Squad Three man was leaving, Renji snapped his focus back tot he present. Curious and hoping for information, Renji followed Byakuya eagerly, looking rather like an over-zealous hungry puppy following it's master.

The master himself seemed to be in a sharing mood, as Renji was rewarded with a few short explanatory sentences (which were rather unusual to be receiving from Kuchiki Byakuya).

"Renji," he began, speaking to his Lieutenant over his shoulder. "That man was indeed from our Squad. Right now, his body has been taken away already. It's late, so we'll wait until tomorrow to investigate this matter further."

Nodding that he understood, Renji queried "And Sir, what kind of investigations will we be making?"

"Firstly, I'll go and find out what kind of mission that man was assigned to. And you will go and speak to everyone who was there that night, including Lieutenant Kira, the men from Squad 12 and the Healer."

Wanting to complain that he was the one stuck with the most tedious work, Renji tried to be mindful and he held his tongue.

_You're on thin ice with him as it is about the whole Rukia disaster. Don't push your luck, _he cautioned himself. _Besides, he'll have to speak with the higher ups if he wants any detailed info. about what the guy was doing, and they wouldn't ever tell that stuff to a Lieutenant. _

Knowing that Byakuya had no more to say to him, Renji stopped following him, wishing his Captain good night.

_Well, there is one small blessing in this whole affair. At least one of the people I'll have to talk to is Kira. _

Thinking about seeing his old friend from the academy, Renji smiled wolfishly.

_Heh, I wonder how Blondie's doing? I haven't gotten the chance to beat him up in ages…_

Deciding that the interviews might not be as bad as he originally thought, Renji returned to his quarters with a hopeful spring in his step.

CHAPTER II: PART III

The next morning came all to quickly for Renji's liking, and when he was awoken with the first day bell he was instantly grumpy.

_What the hell? It feels like I only went to sleep minutes ago! _

Mentally whining, Renji remembered that Captain Kuchiki had said that they would start the inquiries 'tomorrow morning', which in English meant that they would get started well before any sane person was up.

_Damn I had better hurry if I don't want to be late. _

Rushing, Renji quickly pulled on his clothes, tying his hair up and snatching Zabimaru from its place of honor on his nightstand. He burst through his door, hurriedly navigating the hallways to the Captain's quarters, attaching Zabimaru to his waist as he went along.

Just as he arrived, Captain Kuchiki stepped out of his room, looking remarkably fresh and well rested considering the disturbances of the previous night and the early rise this morning. He simply inclined his head a little bit, motioning to Renji that he was to follow him from the Squad Six barracks.

The Captain and Lieutenant walked together in relative silence, until they left their own barracks. Then, Renji separated from his Captain, heading in the direction of the Squad Three barracks to visit Izuru while Byakuya continued forward towards the official offices.

Reaching his destination, Renji rapped on Izuru's door, hoping that he wasn't waking him up at this ungodly hour of the morning. The door opened, revealing a haggard looking Izuru.

"Renji?" he asked tiredly, stifling a yawn.

"Yo. What'd you expect?" Renji asked, leaning forward and lightly poking Izutu in the forehead.

"Uh, why don't you come in and sit down?" Izuru offered, either choosing to ignore the slight teasing or being to sleepy to even notice it.

Not waiting for an answer, Izuru walked further back wards into his room with Renji trailing behind him. The red haired Shinigami settled down on the floor, making himself at home.

"So, what can I do for Squad Six?" Izuru asked, suddenly serious.

"Eh? Izuru, I'm insulted! Why do you assume that I'm not just dropping in on you 'cuz I want to visit a friend?" Renji responded, frowning slightly and mocking hurt in his voice.

Izuru snorted lightly. "I wouldn't normally assume that Renji but," he said, eyes twinkling with laughter, "there is no reason why you would ever be up this early of your own free will. Meaning that Kuchiki dragged you out of bed and that this is therefore official business."

"Ok, you've got me there." Renji admitted reluctantly. Izuru just widened the small smile on his face, leering in absolute triumph over his friend.

"But, back to business. What the hell happened last night Izuru?"

Izuru looked at Renji for a few seconds, all of the previous light heartedness dissipating from the room in an instant.

"I honestly don't know Renji," Izuru began, shifting his stance slightly. "All I know is that the man was brought here because they didn't want to risk moving him to Squad Four. He was scratched up very badly, either from a blade or very sharp claws or teeth. He might have been alright, but there was one wound that damaged some of his internal organs."

Here Izuru paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath.

"They sent for a Healer, but he died a few minutes after she arrived."

Renji shuddered a little. These deaths were always the worst to him, the ones that happened when salvation was so close.

Then his eyes, which had been traveling around the room idly, came to rest upon the dirty clothes hamper. Lying on top of the pile was a set of robes, dark brownish red stains of dry blood coating the front.

_Oh shit. _

Apparently Kira had been more involved in the scene than he had let on.

_That guy probably died right in front of everyone. And Kira was probably trying to help him. _

Renji gulped slightly, becoming more and more worried for his friend. He knew that Izuru had gone through hell lately, with all of the crisis that was happening in the Third Squad right now. And this was not something that his friend needed.

Vaguely he was aware that he was still talking to Izuru somehow. Longing to simply gather his friend up in a bear hug, Renji restrained himself. Kira wouldn't appreciate the sentiment, and he really had no reason to stay anymore.

Standing up, Renji thanked Izuru and left.

He still had about three or four more people to speak to that day.

But, he resolved, later he would take the time out to speak to Kira Izuru. He had to, for his sake.

A/N: Hahah! I'm on a roll! Two chapters in two days! I hope that everyone enjoys this, because I'm having one hell of a fun time writing it! (Especially scenes that involve Renji and being tired…) I'd also like to give a SHOUTOUT! to Emma! Hi Emma! In other off topic news, I saw Star Trek the movie today- it was freakin' amazing! And I've been a Trekkie since I was 7!

So yes, you can maybe expect some good old Star Trek fanfiction from me… I've been re-inspired in the series by all of the possibilities that have arisen from the movie..

And also, for anyone who reads FOAC I am working on writing the next chapter and should have it up soonish.. hopefully sometime in the next few days.


	3. Author's Note

A/N: Readers! I'm giving you all my sincerest apologies about how I haven't updated as recently as I had anticipated. Its just that the other day while I was working on writing chapter three, I suddenly realized that I had better work on my timeline and stuff…. So that I didn't unknowingly descend into the realm of AU. And, if my story was in an AU then I wanted to know. That being said, I went back and re-read all 357 chapters of Bleach on , which has taken me about four days (I do have to worry about school, homework, and anime club).

So, I will have the next chapter up ASAP, and it will be even better and more story acurate than before! ^_^

Rose out!


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